


Pray For Me

by Galindrael



Series: A Very Dragon Age Christmas [9]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, DECFANFIC, Day Nine, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Lyrium, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, PTSD, Relapse, Ruining Holiday Party, Withdrawal, angst with a super small section of fluff, i don't know what happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2014-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-28 22:03:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2748776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galindrael/pseuds/Galindrael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scáthach got a letter from Cassandra about Cullen. She could have never imagined what had happened while she was gone. Cullen didn't mean to. It wasn't his fault... and yet, here they are.<br/> <br/>For the #DecFanFic contest.</p><p>There are currently 22 parts to this series, the link, for some reason is broken- sorry for the issue, I'm trying to fix it (as of 1 February 2015)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pray For Me

Scáthach had received a letter from Cassandra, stating that the Commander had hit his head a few days ago, while fighting off bandits near Skyhold, and she had never been more frightened in her life. If he was alright Cassandra would have never sent her that letter, not when she was already scheduled to return soon for Josephine’s holiday party. Scáthach put her Templar armor on and rode to Skyhold as soon as her mount was packed. It took her a little more than a day and she arrived at the gates right after sunrise.

The men opened the gates and her heart sunk at the emptiness of the courtyard. Cullen’s troops were not out training. His candles were not lit. The guards who were awake would glance at the ground when she walked by. _Andraste preserve him, let him be alright_. As soon as she got inside the keep’s main hall she was met by Cassandra and Varric who were outside the door to her room. Cassandra half-jogged up to the Inquisitor and pulled her into a hug but held on to Scáthach when she tried to pull away. Cassandra’s face was wrought with pain, something she didn’t want to say on the tip of her tongue.

Scáthach’s heart was fluttering so fast now, “Please. Is he alright? Is Cullen alright?” she begged.

“He is awake. But,” she looked to Scáthach eyes, “but he’s had a relapse in memory,” Scáthach started to panic, her chest was so tight now, “Solas said it will return once this has passed and to try to ease his memories back to him because we don’t know what all that information would do to him if given quickly…but Cullen,” Cassandra shot a look to Varric and then back to her, “Cullen thinks he’s back at Kinloch. He thinks he is a Knight-Captain again. I left yesterday morning to get more medicine from Solas but when I returned”. Cassandra stopped talking and Scáthach felt like she was going to vomit.

“What?” Cassandra didn’t respond, “Cassandra, what?” she shook her as if it would make the answer fall from her lips.

“When I returned he was downing a vial of your lyrium and proceeded to tie his boots like it was nothing” Cassandra said before she brought a hand to her face to cover her mouth. Scáthach’s heart sank. _No. Oh, Cullen, no. If I had just been here. If I had hid my lyrium better. If I hadn't decided... If I wasn’t a fucking TEMPLAR._   Cassandra continued, her voice so miserable, “We removed what we thought was your entire stash but he had one on him already. I think he took another this morning. He’s still high from it, Scáthach, he’s mercurial and still thinks he’s on guard duty and that you…,” she sighed, “that you are just a dream,” Scáthach absolutely still. In such a shock that it took her a moment to react.

 

Cassandra didn’t have the heart to tell her what transpired late last night:  
                _Cassandra came in with dinner and was surprised that he was shirtless staring at the wall. “Cullen?” She asked but he didn’t respond. She sat his meal down on the table and when she turned back around he was right behind her and she jumped. He started talking but it wasn’t at her. He was just babbling. Maker forgive her all she could do was stand still and listen as she was too afraid to move, the Commander still wildly pacing. He was in this sick state of mind that made his memories and hallucinations blend and she just stood there watching._  
  
 _“She begs me to throw it away. I see her. I’m scared to tell her that I almost took it today. I’m scared she’ll be mad, that she’ll leave. I’m scared. But I crave it. The longer it’s gone, the more it hurts. It hurts so much. I fucking hate it," he hit the wall behind her suddenly, "I need it. But I don’t’ take it. I can’t. But I have to do it. I have to. She’s driving me mad, though. She’s hidden my shit. My box is not in my desk. I yelled at her for it. She threw it off the battlements. She pushes me. I broke a shelf. She yelled and I grabbed her. Kissed her. She was mad but she kissed me back. I had her on my desk. No more craving. Not craving lyrium. Just her.  Her taste is as sweet as lyrium. Is she real? Am I real?" He picked up an empty vial and dropped it, "No…Yes? Fuck, their screaming is so loud. The recruit next to me was ripped in half. I couldn’t move. Blood was hot on my face. None of it was mine. I was safe in my barrier and they were dying by the dozen. I was a coward. But she’s there now. Why is she there? She was never there. Was she?" He paused for a moment and then slammed his hands on the desk, "No! She is honeysuckle and rain. There was sweat and filth. Abominations are in the courtyard. I have to. For her. Can’t give in. She is sweet to me. She touches my face softly. I remember her fingers on my face, thumb running over my scar. She kissed me again that morning. Said I was more important. She is perfect on top of me. Her hair is so soft in my hands. She says my name over and over again like a prayer. She is precious to me. I love her. She says she loves me too. I don't need anything else. I forget I even wanted it. She helps me forget. I hear her pray for me. I hear her whisper at the alter for me. Always for me. I want to see her. Where is she? Is she coming back? She has to come back. I have to come back. Did I leave? I feel like I'm going to die. But I can't die yet, I made her a promise, one I want to keep." he took his ring off and placed it on the desk, touching it to see if it's still real"Does she still pray for me?”_

_He went silent again. She saw his eyes, Maker, his eyes. They were blank. Like the life was sucked right out of them and yet he was still looking to things that weren't there.He noticed the food and sat down, by-passing Cassandra entirely; she wasn’t even there to him. She left in a hurry, stopping to only let Solas know she left. His eyes were going to haunt her._

 

Cassandra would have to tell her later, let her know that seeing Cullen like that made her also have nightmares but it would have to be later as she watched Scáthach drop to the floor, roughly landing on her knees. She was in a full-blown panic attack. She couldn’t breathe. Her palms were sweaty, her heart was fast and she felt an over-whelming sense of a crushing sensation. She was choking out sobs and passer-by’s paused to stare before Cassandra threatened personal bodily harm if they kept staring.  Varric was rubbing her back and trying his best to calm her down. The sounds of sobbing must have caused enough noise as Cullen came bursting out of the door, weapon drawn and body pulsing the protection his Templar training granted him. When he saw a woman, on the ground crying in Templar armor he reacted. He shoved Varric away and placed himself between Scáthach and Cassandra. Varric sat up shocked that the Commander had all but flung him across the hall and Cassandra was now at his side. Cullen picked Scáthach up and as soon as he saw her face his face dropped.

“You’re…You’re real?” he lowered his weapon slightly, his eyes filled with temporary wonder and disbelief but he quickly brought his shield up between them and let out a massive spell purge that would have severely wounded her if she was a mage or demon. She had never felt anything like that before. _Maker he’s strong._ When he looked back from the top of his shield he looked to her confused, “You are not a demon. You’re,” he raised his hand almost as if he was going to touch her face but began lowering it, “But I’ve seen you in my…” he stopped, trying to save himself from what he thought would’ve been an embarrassing admission.

Scáthach grabbed his hand, “Cullen-” she begged. He pulled his hand away.

“Do I know you, Templar?” _Templar. Not even my name._

“It’s Scáthach, Cullen. You’re _my_ ,” she paused and reconsidered, “You work for me, do you not remember?”

“No, my _Lady_ , I apologize,” he was formal and Cullen’s eyes were bright from the lyrium, looking just like she did after she took lyrium for the first time. He sheathed his sword quickly.

“Do you want us to stay,” Varric spoke quietly.

“No, you’re both dismissed,” Scáthach quickly replied.

“But-“ Cassandra tried to object.

“Seeker, you have your order. _Dismissed,”_ Scáthach replied without breaking eye-contact with Cullen.

 

Once they were alone, Cullen settled back into his usual stance, his hand loosely placed on his hilt, “I see you’re not joking when you say I work for you. To command a Seeker would take great power indeed,” he smirked. Her heart hurt at his voice. He still had the ability to make her weak at the knees and she meant nothing to him in this state of mind.

“Knight-Captain,” she used his past title and did her best to not let him see the hurt, “please follow me”.

He straightened up just as a new Templar would do for their superiors. She opened the door that led to her chambers when he spoke, “I apologize, my Lady, it seems my injury is causing my memory to evade me. What do I call you?”

“Scáthach,” she paused on the step above him.

“Oh,” he coughed, “I apologize, I meant your title,” he said with a cold formality he had never offered her before.

“You call me Scáthach, I promise. But my title is Inquisitor,” She said solemnly as she continued up the first set of stairs.

“Oh? Well,” he paused, “Do you call me Cullen? And Inquisitor? That’s something I’ve never come across before,” his voice lightened a bit.

“Yes, I call you Cullen,” _and love and lover and fiancé,_ “I am the only Inquisitor in Thedas, so I suppose that’s why you’ve yet to know of me. Knight-Captain, if I may, how often does one of your stature consume lyrium?” Scáthach meekly asked. _Andraste, Cullen, I am so sorry. Please get better. Please. For me._

“I-uhm, once in the morning and once in the evening, usually right before my meals,” he stuttered out. She slowly shut her eyes and inhaled deeply as she placed her hand on the door knob. _Three vials since yesterday_.

 

Scáthach opened her door and when he realized where they were, he stopped and went red, “Inquisitor, should I wait outside? I don’t want people to get the wrong impression,” he looked around not recognizing that he had just exited this room less than ten minutes ago. Cullen spotted a pair of men’s boots by the fireplace, a man’s shirt at the end of the bed and a man’s ring on the desk. _Andraste, preserve me, this is her and her lover’s room._ He coughed, the nervous tic resurfacing more as they went along.

“It’s fine, Com- Knight-Captain,” Scáthach began walking to the room divider, “I’m going to change out of my armor, I’ll fill you in while I’m doing so,” she flashed him a smile and looked back before continuing, “Assuming you have any questions?” she walked behind the divider without waiting for an answer. _Maker, am I being seduced?_ As soon as she was behind it, her face collapsed. She choked back silent tears trying to decide how she was going to get Cullen to remember and then how she was going to get him sober. There is no way to know if the Commander could manage to quit as not taking lyrium was already dangerous but quitting cold-turkey twice? There was no way to know how this would end.

“This place. It doesn’t have a lot of mages. I don’t- I can’t feel many, at least. The only one I’ve met was the bald-headed one who healed me from my apparent injury,” he tentatively touched the back of his head.

“Solas,” she sniffled, “He’s a good healer,” _and your friend_ , “We’re at Skyhold, Knight-Captain,” she unclasped the side of her breastplate, “we are not strictly housing Templars here, but if you look out the far-window you can see the Templar’s tower,” she unclasped the other side and pulled it off of her chest, a welcomed feeling. She was trying her best to not let Cullen hear or see her pain. Thankfully he was distracted and curious, so he strode across the room to peer down below, setting his shield down against the bannister.

It was there as she said, a large red-banner, larger than any he’s seen, with the Templar’s symbol hanging off the tower. Cullen could feel the hum of power coming from the tower and he felt strange as it pulled at his chest. It was an empty feeling, like he had done something wrong. _But I haven’t. I woke up, recited the chant, took my lyrium and began my morning guard-duty as assigned._ A flash of a scene of Scáthach came to him, they were at the lake he used to go to and she was smiling warmly at him. _What in Thedas?_  He went to turn around to ask another question, but he didn’t realize that in order to see down below into the courtyard that he had passed the divider. Her bare-back was now exposed to him and he caught himself running his eyes down her body, he wanted to run his hands down her back. He wanted to feel his skin against hers. To feel his body pressed against hers would surely be as heaven. She pulled to every fiber of his being, he wanted her. _Oh, Maker. Shit._  As soon as he realized where his thoughts had begun to drift to, his body went hot and he turned back around to face the courtyard once more, hiding his reddened face.

“I, uhm,” Cullen was trying to recover from his imagined slight, “How have I come to this place? I mean,” he tried to remember how he came to be here but all he could remember was slaughter outside the Harrowing chamber and flashes of Greagoir suggesting he take time to recover but that was  ” I don’t- I don’t remember.”

She spoke and he was startled that she was now to his left on the balcony, “You came here to help. You thought it was the place you could do the most good,” she was quiet. _But I was supposed to go to Kirkwall…Something’s not right._ He turned to protest her story but he stopped in his tracks when he saw a familiar ring slightly peeking out of her top.

 

 _What the fuck,_ he reached into her shirt, not caring for what, to him, would have been impropriety. She tried to pull it away from him, but he held onto her elbow with a force she was not aware he had and she was happy he had never used it against her. He pulled lightly on the chain, to bring it closer to him. _Demons lie all the time, what if she’s just a strong one?_

“Cullen, please, wait,” it was too late. _Why else would she lie?_

“ _What_ is this?” he all but snarled, “Who are you to _me_?” _Am I being influenced?_

“Maker, Cullen, stop” hearing his name seemed to enrage him and he yanked hard at the chain in his hand; it broke easily, she pulled away from him as he did. He had never been this way, ever, to her. But now he knows and she needed him to remember her. She needs him to remember how things actually were. And she did not know what to do. His actions physically stunned her. This was not _her_ Cullen. This was the Cullen he was ashamed of.

He took a step to her now towering over her, “I would not give this away so freely, _Inquisitor,”_ She took a step backward and he pursued, now yelling, “ _Who are you to me?!_ ”

He was so loud that he had startled her, “We’re _together_ ,” she half-sobbed, “Fucking Andraste, Cullen,” His shoulders dropped, hands lowered and his brow furrowed as if he didn’t hear her correctly. _The clothes are…are mine? No, I would never fraternize within the Order._

“What? How?” he asked softly, his features more recognizable to her now but a sudden flash of anger returned.

“I would never have given this to just anyone, I would have never slept with just anyone, especially not another Templar, so, tell me,” he took one more step to her, “Who. Are. You. To. Me?” His nose was scrunched and she could not back away anymore as now she was by the closet door.

“You,” she stopped trying to form it into a sentence that wouldn’t upset him further but he snapped when she took too long to respond.

“ _Don’t_ lie to me. I don’t know where I am or how I got here and for all I know I’ve been taken,” His voice was thick with pain and confusion but even she could tell he already knew he was wrong about that accusation.

“I love you,” he didn’t expect that, and he was more confused when she placed her hands on his face and he found that he couldn’t pull away from her, “And you love me too. You asked me to marry you, Cullen. By-by the lake and you gave me this,” she stuttered as she pulled his brother’s coin from her pocket and showed it to him, “You gave me this for _luck_ ,” he let out an audible gasp and he physically pulled back as memories started flooding in. _The lake. Kirkwall. Leaving the Order. The battlements. Kinloch. The masquerade. Haven. Ice-Skating. His desk. His proposal. **Lyrium**. _ They were flashing so quickly at him, his mind couldn’t handle it and for a moment everything stopped. Nothing was registering, he just was.

 

He hadn’t noticed that he had screamed. He hadn’t noticed that had hit the door behind her, but he did notice that she had whimpered. When he came to his hand was still in the door and she had her eyes closed, quietly sobbing. _What have I done?_ Cullen dropped the necklace and gently placed his hands on Scáthach who jumped at his touch and he had never felt worse in his life. _What have I **done**?_

“I’m so sorry,” he finally choked out, panic streaking across his face and he didn’t move. Even with bits of his memory missing he knew he would never hurt her, never intentionally. He couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to see her flinch again. But she pulled him to her, and he crumbled at her touch. Scáthach opened her eyes to see Cullen on his knees in front of her wracking with sobs. His hands were in his hair, grabbing at it and squeezing his head in between. He folded into himself, temporarily before she felt the air begin to crackle familiarly around her. _Shit._ As quickly as she could she grabbed one of her shirts and threw it over herself and Cullen’s heads, then shut her eyes tightly placing her free hand over his eyes.

She was barely in time, as Cullen had screamed and with a blinding flash, all of the glass in the room shattered when he expelled as much of himself into what people outside the Order referred to as The Wrath of Heaven. He collapsed immediately after. When she threw the sheet off of them again, there was glass everywhere. The mirrors, cups, windows, all shattered and she was so weak from Cullen’s attack. Everything was sore but she had to focus. She looked to Cullen’s collapsed body and she ran her hands over face. She sat silently watching his chest rise and fall. A small comfort meant that he was still alive and fighting. She adjusted herself and Cullen so his head was in her lap, her not caring about the broken glass pressing into her legs, cutting into her clothes. She hunched over to him and placed a kiss on his forehead and ran her fingers through his hair and just cried. Andraste, help her, the tears just kept coming.

 

“Is everything all-,” Solas came in and stopped at the sight, “Scáthach, what happened?” He was now kneeling next to her and was hovering his hand over Cullen’s body, trying to feel if he was injured.

She didn’t answer him, “Is he ok?” she just kept stroking his hair, almost absent-mindedly now.

“Help me get him out of the armor and onto the bed,” Solas said getting up to remove the sheets to make sure there was no glass in the bed and Scáthach deftly removed his armor, having done it countless times before.

Cassandra came bounding in with Varric, “Inquisitor, are,” she saw Cullen and placed her hands over her mouth, but she composed herself quickly, “Do you, do you need anything?” She didn’t say anything but Solas did.

“She’s in shock. Fetch Dorian, Vivienne, Morrigan and have Cole come as well. Then get the other mages to board up the window with magic, but wait for my signal” he spoke authoritatively, “Seeker, as soon as the other mages are done have Cole make them forget. All of them, even our friends,” he was untying one bracer while Scáthach untied the other.

“I’ll get Cole and Morrigan,” Varric said as he took off in one direction and Cassandra left to get Dorian and Vivienne.

 

Solas and Scáthach lifted the Commander onto the bed and he was already drenched in sweat and starting to breathe harder, “Stay with him,” he reached into his pocket and handed her a vial of something, “If he wakes while I’m getting supplies, make him take that, I will be back as _fast_ as I can”, he started off down the stairs.

Cullen started whispering words Scáthach couldn’t understand, his hands occasionally clenching at nothing. Just a few seconds passed and now he was talking in his fever-state, “No. I will not falter, I will not give in, demon,” “I am a Templar, you will _not_ break me,” “I am my own man, and I would rather die than give in to your poisoned whispers,” lastly, “I will not let you take her. If you want Scáthach than you must fight me for her”. Scáthach jumped when Cullen screamed, his body tense for just a moment before it relaxed again.

Solas came rushing in, supplies in hand, “Did he wake?” she shook her head.

Solas flicked his wrist and lightning began jumping around Cullen’s body and he shot up, “Where- Where am,” he was out of breath, throat hoarse, “Scáthach? You’re back? What happened?” Solas grabbed the vial from Scáthach’s hands.

Solas interrupted, “I am sorry Commander but we have little time, take this,” he offered it to him and Cullen took it out of his hand and stared at it.

“What-“ he began, but Solas cut him off.

“Please, just take this,” Solas encouraged.

“But the holiday dinner, who’s going to be her date?” Cullen asked completely unaware at how serious this was.

“I am trying to save your life, Commander, take the vial while you’re still lucid, “ Cullen looked to Scáthach who looked terrified and all she had to do was nod her head once before he drank the liquid.

 

It felt like fire. Like glass scraping the inside of his veins, he could feel the lyrium inside him attacking it, in too much pain to wonder why he even had the lyrium in his system. Solas grabbed a glove that was sitting on the nightstand and shoved it in Cullen’s mouth to bite. Scáthach felt useless. She couldn’t help him. He had to do this on his own. Cullen was screaming, face-red and muscles tensed. Solas stood up and ever so lightly Scáthach could feel Solas’ magic touch her skin and, surely, Cullen felt it as well. He wasn’t screaming but he was still in an immense amount of pain. Solas reached his hand into a pouch and sprinkled some on the Commander’s nose. He was out instantly.

 

Scáthach refused to leave the bed after that. The mages had come in and barred up the windows to fight against the cold and Cole had everyone, including himself, forget as they were leaving the room. Cassandra brought in food and drink for Scáthach and Cullen and Varric brought in a change of clothes for the Commander then swept up the glass. Solas either tended to directly, or was preparing to help the Commander get through the new withdrawal Cullen was now going through. Solas only let Cullen be awake long enough to eat and relieve himself before Solas would drug him again.  Scáthach had given Cassandra run of the Inquisition until herself and the Commander were back on their feet. She obliged and no one argued.

The first few days, the main worry was fever. Which Solas fought off valiantly. Then it was sickness; Cullen had a hard time keeping anything down and was reduced to a lukewarm water and broth soup diet. His weight fell off easily as his clothes. Solas had placed a few drops of lyrium into each liquid to help fight the effects of a full-blown lyrium withdrawal. After he stopped throwing up, Cullen started having severe night terrors. He would thrash and use his Templar abilities in his sleep, with practically no warning. Scáthach could now recite the exact words he’d mutter every time he dreamt of Kinloch. She could quote his nightmares as if they were her favourite lines of a book. Maker, she was tired. Despite everything, she stayed in the bed with him each night despite the fact she’d only get a few hours’ sleep before getting woken up by Cullen. Over the next few weeks, he started to slowly improve. The holiday party had come and gone and the cover story was that the Commander and Scáthach were away from Skyhold. Only Solas, Cassandra, Cole and Varric knew otherwise. Leliana kept finding out and each time Solas would have Cole make her forget.

Solas had weaned Cullen off lyrium as well as he could and had slowly let him stay awake for longer periods of time. But the night terrors’ strength stayed the same. Once Cullen had accidently hit Scáthach in his sleep, Solas started trying to get a potion together to help him. Solas eventually had figured out a drought Cullen could take to reduce them but it had to be made precisely and fresh or there was a risk Cullen would never wake. Scáthach was rigorous with her routine when she made it.  When Cullen was awake, he’d obsessively check the doors and the newly replaced windows. He’d lock them over and over until he felt that he and Scáthach were safe. When they tried to re-introduce the service staff he nearly killed the poor elven woman and it was only Scáthach placing herself between them that made him believe that she was, in fact, not trying to poison Scáthach. Noises still made him jump and reach for his sword, regardless if it was at his hip. He was constantly frustrated at his relapse even though he knew he wasn’t really at fault. But he wouldn’t touch Scáthach for anything other than at night when he would pull her to him for comfort. Light kissing was granted but nothing more. More and he’d start to panic.

It had been maybe a month since the incident and rumors were flying around like mad that they had run off together and left the Inquisition behind to fend for itself against Coryphaeus. The Inner Circle now knew better but they could not let what actually happened leave Skyhold, “A disaster beyond all measure”, Josephine warned. But all Scáthach cared about was that he no longer took hours to tie his boots and no longer slept with his sword in the bed, instead it was now on the side of the bed. She cared that he could eat at least two good meals a day and that he would let her know, without shame, when he was in pain and needed help doing simple tasks like picking up things off the floor or adjusting his armor when he did wear it. Occasionally, he’d still get violently ill or fell back into prior habits; on one occasion, he just stood guard all night, not moving for hours other than to salute Scáthach who he thought was his Knight-Commander. It was difficult to watch him this way, but she loved him and wished she could only help bear his weight. She did everything she could to help him get better.

He almost relapsed a few times. The first time she caught him staring at the box she had locked away in the closet. But he slammed the door shut and went to lay in bed. He didn’t leave it for the rest of the day. The next time she noticed the lock was broken on her box, but none of them were missing. He didn’t eat that day. The last time she woke in the middle of the night to see he was no longer in bed. She sat up and saw a light coming from the closet. _Fuck_. She jumped out of the bed and opened the door to find him with her box open and one in his hand just staring at it. She hit it out of his hand and, without another word, he went back to bed. The next day she had it moved to Solas’ room where he placed a magical ward around it in addition to adding a new, much more complicated lock to it. He barely spoke those days but she did her best to make sure that he knew he was loved. And she did her best to remind him that he’s done it before and he can do it again.  Maker, she was so proud of him when he sat down next to her and told her he really wanted to take lyrium and that he needed her to keep him distracted. She had Varric send up games for them to use and that seemed to help him on some occasions. Sometimes it made him more frustrated and he’d grab his weapon and beat the living shit out of the training dummy for hours. After, he’d be too sore to make any trips to any location other than the bed. He slept a lot, Solas assured her that it was a sign he was trying to recover and to not falter with the support she offered him. She did not. She _would not_ let him down, especially now.

 

Two nights before he had asked her if she wanted to take the shift patrolling with the apprentices or the shift patrolling with the full mages, before he snapped back into reality, embarrassed that he slipped into that state of mind so easily. Last night, for the first time since his relapse, he sought her comfort. He was so gentle, his touches were like feathers and he was so careful with her, like he was unsure that he should. Scáthach reassured him and Cullen took his time with her. It was agonizingly slow, and he had laughed that she was impatient. She had never heard a more wonderful sound than his laugh.

 

It was another month before Cullen felt well enough to make an appearance in Skyhold. Scáthach and Cullen had memorized their cover for what had happened while they were gone and they had to pretend that the major decisions that Cassandra had made in her stead were her own as well. Mostly, they were the decisions that she would have made, and she made excuses for the ones where she would have chosen differently had she placed the Inquisition’s needs over hers. But she didn’t. She needed Cullen as much as he needed her and she made the decision without caring what it could cost the Inquisition. The guilt was clear to her Inner Circle.  Her ambassadors understood, Josephine even offered to throw another dinner with just their tight-knit group and Cullen profusely started apologizing that he had missed the dinner that she had worked so long and hard to plan. Which made Josephine cry, and she let him know that his health was more important than the fact that he missed out on her dinner. No one heard him approach the group, but Cole was standing next to Cullen suddenly and just smiling up at him.

 

“What is it?” Cullen finally asked.

“You were gone for some time. Too long. But now you’re back. Still bright inside. I’m glad” and he offered Cullen his hand for a hand-shake, Varric’s doing.

Cullen took his hand but pulled him into a hug, “Thank you, Cole, I needed to hear it”. _Have I lost weight? This doesn’t feel the same._

Cole paused and then said, “She thinks you still look nice naked, don’t worry”.

Cullen immediately blushed, “Cole!”.

Varric spit out his drink and Scáthach just laughed. Cole didn’t understand that he shouldn’t have said that in front of the entire Inner Circle. _Wonderful… That’s going to come up later, I know it._

Things were finally getting back to as close to normal as they could get. Cullen was back shouting at soldiers within the week and he made a conscious effort to take time each day to really relax, especially with Scáthach. Sometimes he’d have one of his veterans take notes on the reports for him. Sometimes he’d go to see Scáthach for lunch. Today he went to find her but she was not in her chambers, a chamber-maid mentioned that she had left to the Chantry.

Sure enough, kneeling at the candles and she was praying. “-Cullen,” was all he caught and his chest tightened before he walked quietly up next to her.

He knelt down beside her, “Were you praying for me?”

“Of course. I always do,” she reached to him and he took her hand.

“That’s all that I can ask, love,” he paused and looked to her. Her eyes were still closed, her face was the most relax he’s seen in week and could not help it, she looked ethereal in the light that the hundreds of candles offered her. He smiled, “Well, that and one more thing”.

Scáthach turned to ask him what but he caught her face in his hands and he kissed her sweetly.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what happened. I had a nice kind of angst-y one planned but then this happened. I just kind of story-vomited all over the DA fandom, whoops. I have a lot of feelings about Cullen. I like that his lyrium addiction is not pushed aside for his romantic plot, I like that it is a conversation he is willing to have and that when he leans to you for help, it's your choice to either catch him or let him fall as it shows what a difference support can make. 
> 
> I apologize as the prompt of this got away from me, but am relieved that I am finally done writing this one, it's been hours and, I suppose, it's served its purpose.
> 
> In any case, please listen to "Pray For Me" by Sixx AM ( http://youtu.be/Ul-faQQvUiU ) to understand the work title a little more! It essentially inspired the whole thing.


End file.
